Slapping a smile on my face and swallowing the lump in my throat...

5 more days until my flight leaves.

On January 18th my apartment lease ended. As one might guess, the moving out process was a blast.

Not.

For the past week and a half I've been living 'nomad' style at my boyfriend's apartment. Guess I'm getting a head start on this whole vagabonding sha-bang. I'd almost forgotten how awesome it is to live with roommates. Cleaning up other peoples' messes. Waking up to blasting music in the morning. Opening the refrigerator to find that someone else has finished the last of your milk, right as you're about to prepare a yummy bowl of cereal. Not to mention the roommate's girlfriend, who I constantly catch staring at me but refuses to say a word. Needless to say, I feel right at home.

Not.

Well, at least the moving stress is off my shoulders. Now I can deal with the thought of leaving my home country, of saying goodbye to my loved ones. Not that I even know how to deal with this thought, 'cause I don't. I get a knot in my stomach at just the thought of saying goodbye to Kasey. At least I get to spend these last few days with him.

If this sounds somewhat negative, I must admit that I've been feeling a little down. How does one mentally prepare for a trip like this when they have no idea what to expect? You can't, really. You gotta just swallow that lump in your throat, slap a smile on your face, and hope you can sleep through the night without being awoken by the racing thoughts. I know I should be excited. I am, after all, about to embark on the biggest adventure of my life. And in certain ways, I am, of course, excited.

I guess it'd be a bit easier to jump with joy if I had my lover jumping with me. Unfortunately, talk of my pending departure brings an inherent wave of somberness to any conversation. 4 months is a long time to be apart. 120 days without my lover, my best friend. When I picture all the awesome things I'll be seeing, I can't help but imagine how I'll feel, wishing my Kasey was there to see it with me.

At the same time, I'm looking forward to the solitude, the raw independence of it. Having me and just me. In missing him, I will remind myself that love and need are two very different things. When it comes down to it, I'm all I really need. Happiness is within. This is something I do believe and will continue to remind myself while I'm gone. I will allow myself to miss Kasey in the most neutral way possible. This is to say that I won't fight the feeling, but will simply feel it for what it is and continue on with my journey.
On a lighter note, I've seen the majority of my friends over the past couple weeks, which has been nice...

]

Heather, Jenn, Wendy and I at Bumpers. I had fun ladies!

Thanks for the visit, Arthur and Jason!

Thanks again for hosting the poker party, Mike! And thanks to Krystle, Corey, Tori, Justin, Adri, Adam, Mark, Kristin, and Kasey for coming!

Thanks for the visit, Danny!

I'm also glad I got to see Nick, Bianca, and Katy. I love and will miss all of you!

19 days and counting...

I can't believe how the time has flown. It seems like just yesterday I made the somewhat frantic decision to travel the world, even if I had to do it alone.

Quoting an email I sent to my mom on July 7, 2010:

"You know how I get… I get restless. [...] I just want to see the world while I can, while I’m still young. I know I’ll regret it if I don’t. This life is so short. This is becoming more and more apparent each year. I’m getting older and so is everyone around me. I feel like I can practically hear the clock of my life—of my YOUTH—ticking and to be honest it breaks my heart a little. It makes me feel sad and that I need to live my LIFE and not be sitting in a stupid little cubicle day after day after day after day in this man-eat-man, corporate America. [...] If I want to travel, I need to MAKE it happen or it never will. It’ll take so much preparation and thought. There seem to be so many obstacles. The amount of issues makes my head spin. I don’t know where to start. But I know that as I get older, obstacles will only increase." 

I knew if I was going to fulfill my dream of world travel (namely through Central / South America, where my heart undoubtedly lies), I have to do it now. Time waits for no one. Although I had been fantasizing about my travels, my decision to make it happen was somewhat impulsive. I immediately began my preparations.

Just a little background for you folks-- this will be my third time living abroad. First time was in Valencia, Spain (2001, 16 years old), and then in Monterrey, Mexico (2006, 21 years old). On both occasions it was for a student exchange. Unfortunately I only have hard copies of the pictures I took in Spain, but here are some from Mexico:

'Why not Europe?' everyone seems to ask me. Well, first and foremost, Europe would drain my funds much more quickly than Latin America. However, more importantly (as mentioned above), my heart lies down South. The Hispanic culture is exceedingly warm and welcoming. Not to mention the warm weather and crystal clear ocean. Oh, and I can't leave out one of the most important factors of all-- the Spanish language has always intrigued me.

Even before I began studying the language at 12 years old, I nagged my mom about having her Peruvian friend teach me Spanish. Once, at the McDonald's play place (I must have been only 7 years old!), I struggled to communicate with a small Hispanic girl. I remember quite clearly descending from the play place to ask my uncle how to say 'what's your name?', after which point I repeated it over and over in my mind as I ascended back into the play place to continue our "conversation." Needless to say, I continued my studies in Spanish and even majored in a mixture of Spanish / business. 

I like how Spanish flows...the alternation between vowel - consonant - vowel, rather than consonants with consonants, as heard commonly in English. More so, Spanish has a way of communicating things that would otherwise sound strange in English. Take this song, for example. It's beautiful. Not only does the language flow nicely, but the lyrics are touching. If translated into English, however, the lyrics would be nothing extraordinary.

Anyways, back to the subject. I'm leaving bitter cold Colorado in less than a month. In a sense, I'm excited. In another sense, I'm nervous. Not only because I'm not sure what exactly to expect, but also because I'll be leaving my lover back in Colorado. Fortunately he'll be meeting up with me out there in just a few short months. But while we're apart... I'm going to miss him so much :(

Until next time...