Slapping a smile on my face and swallowing the lump in my throat...

5 more days until my flight leaves.

On January 18th my apartment lease ended. As one might guess, the moving out process was a blast.

Not.

For the past week and a half I've been living 'nomad' style at my boyfriend's apartment. Guess I'm getting a head start on this whole vagabonding sha-bang. I'd almost forgotten how awesome it is to live with roommates. Cleaning up other peoples' messes. Waking up to blasting music in the morning. Opening the refrigerator to find that someone else has finished the last of your milk, right as you're about to prepare a yummy bowl of cereal. Not to mention the roommate's girlfriend, who I constantly catch staring at me but refuses to say a word. Needless to say, I feel right at home.

Not.

Well, at least the moving stress is off my shoulders. Now I can deal with the thought of leaving my home country, of saying goodbye to my loved ones. Not that I even know how to deal with this thought, 'cause I don't. I get a knot in my stomach at just the thought of saying goodbye to Kasey. At least I get to spend these last few days with him.

If this sounds somewhat negative, I must admit that I've been feeling a little down. How does one mentally prepare for a trip like this when they have no idea what to expect? You can't, really. You gotta just swallow that lump in your throat, slap a smile on your face, and hope you can sleep through the night without being awoken by the racing thoughts. I know I should be excited. I am, after all, about to embark on the biggest adventure of my life. And in certain ways, I am, of course, excited.

I guess it'd be a bit easier to jump with joy if I had my lover jumping with me. Unfortunately, talk of my pending departure brings an inherent wave of somberness to any conversation. 4 months is a long time to be apart. 120 days without my lover, my best friend. When I picture all the awesome things I'll be seeing, I can't help but imagine how I'll feel, wishing my Kasey was there to see it with me.

At the same time, I'm looking forward to the solitude, the raw independence of it. Having me and just me. In missing him, I will remind myself that love and need are two very different things. When it comes down to it, I'm all I really need. Happiness is within. This is something I do believe and will continue to remind myself while I'm gone. I will allow myself to miss Kasey in the most neutral way possible. This is to say that I won't fight the feeling, but will simply feel it for what it is and continue on with my journey.
On a lighter note, I've seen the majority of my friends over the past couple weeks, which has been nice...

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Heather, Jenn, Wendy and I at Bumpers. I had fun ladies!

Thanks for the visit, Arthur and Jason!

Thanks again for hosting the poker party, Mike! And thanks to Krystle, Corey, Tori, Justin, Adri, Adam, Mark, Kristin, and Kasey for coming!

Thanks for the visit, Danny!

I'm also glad I got to see Nick, Bianca, and Katy. I love and will miss all of you!